Trail Talk

Life is a rollercoaster, they say. Over the last two weeks, I’ve found myself on a ride that I never anticipated, a rollercoaster of emotions that tested my resilience and strength. I want to share the challenges I’ve faced and my commitment to focusing on self-care, aligning with my desires, and hoping for a brighter tomorrow.

Two weeks ago, my life took an unexpected turn, thrusting me into a whirlwind of challenges and uncertainties. The circumstances seemed beyond my control,(that I’m still navigating) leaving me feeling overwhelmed and powerless. The emotional toll has been immense, and it seemed like every aspect of my life was in disarray. During moments like these, it’s easy to lose sight of oneself, but it’s crucial to remember that tough times don’t last; tough people do.

Throughout this chaos, I’ve come to realize the importance of prioritizing self-care. It’s not a luxury but a necessity, especially when facing adversity. Taking care of ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally is the foundation for overcoming life’s hardships. I’ve decided to make self-care a non-negotiable part of my daily routine. This ensures I have the time and space I need to heal and recharge. Whether it’s writing/blogging my thoughts, ripping trails in the snow, or drinking a glass of my favorite wine these small acts of self-love are essential for rebuilding a sense of stability. 

In the midst of all this, it’s easy to lose sight of my goals and aspirations. However, these trying times serve as a powerful reminder to reassess and realign with what truly matters to me.

I’m taking this opportunity to reflect on my values, passions, and long-term goals, using them as a compass to guide me through the storm. This period of introspection allows me to discard what no longer serves me and focus on what brings me joy and fulfillment. It’s a journey of self-discovery and a commitment to building a life that resonates with my authentic self.

As I navigate through these challenging times, I hold onto the belief that self-care and realignment will lead to a happier future. It’s essential to acknowledge that healing is not linear, and progress may be slow, but every small step counts. By prioritizing my well-being and staying true to my aspirations, I’m cultivating the resilience needed to weather the storm.

Life’s challenges can be formidable, but they also offer an opportunity for growth and transformation. These last two weeks have been some of the toughest in a life lived full of challenging times, testing myself and pushing me to reevaluate my priorities. Through self-care and aligning with my desires, I’m hopeful that I can emerge from this storm stronger and more in tune with the life I want to lead. I’ve just got to remember, that in the midst of hardship, there is always the potential for growth and a brighter tomorrow. 

I can’t end this post without acknowledging that I have some of the best friends a man could ask for. If you happen to be reading this and going through challenging times, I implore you to lean on those you are close to. Let them be there for you. When that roller coaster you are on stops. Return the favor for them when it’s their turn to ride. We are all in this together. 

I went into the Javelina Jundred this year for all of the wrong reasons. I neglected to listen to what I really wanted out of my running and instead let my ego take control. I figured I could push away the burn out of running and training for 100 mile races and let my god given talent and years of hard work snag a golden ticket. How fucking Naive.

To sum up my day without too much detail: I physically felt incredible other than vomiting and dry heaving after a gel went down the wrong pipe a mile from the end of lap 2. I was having one of those races you dream of. Feeling incredible and winning. The problem was my mind was not in it from the get go. Half way through lap one all I could think about is how I wanted to be sitting in a chair and doing anything but run loops around the desert. That’s a HUGE red flag. I knew to finish this thing I would be testing resilience in ways i’ve never imagined. As I came into my crew tent and set down my mind went a million places. Feeling a whirlwind of emotions, I found myself overwhelmed with frustration and disappointment. In a moment of sheer frustration, I grabbed a Coke intending to drink away my sorrows. But before I knew it, that can of soda became a projectile, sailing through the air before crashing and spraying everyone within striking distance. My anger was palpable, and I felt a mix of regret and embarrassment for my outburst. “I’m a gadamn child” I thought to myself.

In the aftermath of my impulsive act, I took a moment to reflect. Running has always been my passion, a source of joy and fulfillment. Yet, even in pursuits we love, there are moments of defeat and despair. It’s okay to feel upset and disappointed; these emotions are a natural part of the human experience. What matters most is how we respond to these setbacks. I acted like an idiot.

Amidst the clamor of voices urging me to persist, I made a decision that defied expectations: I chose to stop the race. The noise of external pressures faded into the background as I listened to my own intuition, recognizing that sometimes, the bravest choice is to step off the trail, even when everyone else is urging you to keep running. In that moment, I embraced the power of self-awareness and the strength to prioritize my well-being over societal pressures. It was a liberating act of defiance, a declaration that my worth wasn’t tied to the race, but rather to my ability to honor my own desires.

I’ve realized that sponsorship opportunities, while incredibly exciting, have inadvertently led me to put immense pressure on myself. Somewhere along the way, I allowed the anticipation of success to overshadow the joy of the process. I constructed a web of expectations in my own mind, believing that I needed to achieve a certain level of perfection to meet the standards set by others. However, I’ve come to understand that this pressure is a creation of my own thoughts, not a reflection of reality. Acknowledging this self-imposed burden has been a revelation, granting me the freedom to breathe and embrace the opportunities without the weight of unrealistic expectations. With this newfound awareness, I am eagerly anticipating the change ahead, looking forward to approaching these situations with a refreshed perspective, and rediscovering the genuine passion that sparked my journey in the first place.

I know it seems like almost ever blog post has been about failure and discovering something new over this past year. It has. It’s something that in the past I’d be sort of embarrassed about. Now though I am embracing this process and starting to see how it shapes the person I want to become. Setbacks are a natural part of any journey. It’s how we respond to them that defines us. Stay strong, stay resilient, and keep pushing forward is the name of the game.

It’s been a minute since I’ve added to this blog. For that, I’m sorry. Life threw a few unwanted curve balls over the last month. I came off the JFK 50 miler motivated and excited for the future. Not because I raced well (it actually was a terrible race) but because I finished the damn thing. I dug deep to find something that had been lost with my running for a LONG while. The ability to continue on when super uncomfortable. Funny how that is such a metaphor for life.

During JFK, I had severe shin pain popping up around 36 miles in. I usually get things like this in my lower legs during races longer than 50k. It comes with the territory. I figured I would finish the race, rest a few days, and all would be good. After my few days of rest, I still couldn’t run, much less walk without wanting to shed a tear. During my time off just a few days after Thanksgiving, I got a call from my mom telling me my memaw wasn’t doing well. She had an inoperable cardiac aneurysm. It was just a matter of time. I hung up the phone, so mad at myself for not being there with the whole family together one last time for Thanksgiving. A few days later, I got another call. This time I hopped on a plane and made my way to Texas to say my goodbyes to the most influential and amazing woman in my life. My Memaw and I were so close, making this the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my life. I was lucky to be with her in her last coherent moments. We said everything we wanted to say to each other as I held her hand, reminiscing about all the incredible moments we shared together. I found so much peace getting to do that, and I hope she did the same. Losing someone you are so close to leaves you with this hole that can’t be filled. Every morning since her death, I wake up confused about what’s missing in my life. I want to call her to talk to her about it. I always called her first when I was going through something. “baby, follow your heart. I love you. Just because we aren’t in the same place doesn’t mean I’m not with you. I am always with you,” she would say. I have to recite that daily, and it helps. Part of life is losing those you are close to. When it happens, you are quickly reminded about how precious time is. You go from living a comfortable life to suddenly having a little bit of chaos. You can keep going, or you can DNF. The choice is always there.

After a few weeks of no running and a week of jog/hobbling, I decided to go see a Doctor for my shin. It was getting better, but there was still a little pain. Turns out I had torn my anterior Tib muscle! We did a lot of work on the area, and the doctor said the healing process was going super well and gave me the green light to slowly get back into some running. The last time I wrote here, I mentioned how I was planning on racing a lot. Now that there was a little bit of a wrench thrown in the plan, I am not sure exactly what the schedule looks like. I’m still planning on running Black Canyon in Feb as my next big race but beyond that is uncertain at the moment.

I’ve suddenly been given the courage to start doing things my way recently. I have NO IDEA where it has come from. For the last few years, I have just kinda lent myself to the grace of others and let them control my life. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing; in fact, it’s been mostly good having guidance and letting the car drive itself. But lately, I’ve wanted the freedom to live in a way that allows me to not have any regrets. Regrets tend to come from not being able to do what our hearts and minds tell us to do and enjoy. I will still have guidance and people in my life who help lead the way for me, but I won’t let it be a controlling factor anymore. I think this mostly comes from the fact that it’s easy to get too comfortable and coast through life. I want to challenge myself and know it’s my own doing and not someone else’s idea of what’s good or bad for me. I think many of you can relate. This isn’t a reference to any particular thing. We are all guilty of not following our hearts in some way or another. I challenge everyone to listen to what they really want out of life this new year. What makes you happy or inspired even? How can you achieve that and continue living a life of personal achievement and growth? I think that’s happiness’s true meaning, and I will personally explore it.

Thanks to everyone who got through reading this. I felt like I just needed to write down what’s been on my mind recently. For those who come here for more running content, I promise there will be plenty of that this coming year! The holidays can be the best time of year and can also be very tough for many. I hope everyone finds peace and happiness as we wrap up 2022! See ya’ll next year!

“When we get too comfortable, we stop dreaming.”
― Joyce Rachelle

Veterans Day. Damn, I struggle with this holiday. While I am so thankful for all the Veterans who have come before and after me with the duty of protecting this country, I often wonder what life would be like without military forces and how sad it is that humanity is so evil that we need protection from one another. 

This isn’t a blog post bashing the military. My experience in it was one that I cherish. I grew up quickly and learned much about myself and what it is to live a purposeful life while serving. I think what I struggle with a lot post-military life is the new shade of color the lens is of which I look at life. I remember in the 8th grade sitting in Texas history class and watching planes crash into the world trade Centers and immediately realizing life wasn’t the dandelions I’d pick while playing right field during little league baseball games. That moment at 14 years old changed the course of my life and many others in a hurry. I can remember the feeling of hate and racism of a particular culture just taking over my body. I am ashamed as all hell to say it, but I will be as truthful as I can here. 

For the next 6 years of my life, I continued following my passion for running long distances. I trained hard and tried blocking out everything going on in the world. One couldn’t escape the nightly news of the horrors that were happening in Afghanistan and Iraq, though. Many of my high school acquaintances were going off to war and coming back blown to shit from IED or messed up from PTSD…some didn’t come back at all. When the friends I did have that served came back home on leave from their 3rd-4th-5th  tour, we would all go out and grab a beer at the bar, and I’d listen to them talk about their time in the military. They seemed changed..they talked in a way like they were invincible. I wanted that feeling too. I felt like I was wasting my life away chasing a dream to run 4 laps around a track as fast as I could when MY country needed me. 

In 2009 I decided to join the military. My experience was an interesting one that I don’t know if I will ever really want to share publicly. In fact, days like today bring back memories and feelings I’d much rather never have again. That’s just it, though. Since then, I have looked at life in a way that will never be what it used to be. I have my struggles, but we all do. Life is really fucking hard whether you served in the military or not LIFE IS HARD. 

All this is to say, what if we lived in a world where we didn’t have to celebrate Veterans Day. A life without militaries, hate, and violence. I am always super appreciative when I’m thanked for my service, but a part of me is always a little thrown off by it. Deep inside, I know there could be a world where dialog and communication could overtake violence to solve issues. I have worked really hard to rid myself of the hate I carried around for years. I’ve opened up a lot, and I have changed. 

I urge everyone to sit with their feelings daily. For me, it’s in the morning in silence with my coffee or on a run solo in the mountains. Let your emotions come out, be whatever they are, and learn from them. Examine why you feel the way you do. It may keep you from having to look at the world through a dark-colored lens for the rest of your life. 

Thank you to all the Veterans. Your service to our country is immeasurable. However, it takes all our duties to inch towards a more peaceful life for everyone in the future.