I went into the Javelina Jundred this year for all of the wrong reasons. I neglected to listen to what I really wanted out of my running and instead let my ego take control. I figured I could push away the burn out of running and training for 100 mile races and let my god given talent and years of hard work snag a golden ticket. How fucking Naive.

To sum up my day without too much detail: I physically felt incredible other than vomiting and dry heaving after a gel went down the wrong pipe a mile from the end of lap 2. I was having one of those races you dream of. Feeling incredible and winning. The problem was my mind was not in it from the get go. Half way through lap one all I could think about is how I wanted to be sitting in a chair and doing anything but run loops around the desert. That’s a HUGE red flag. I knew to finish this thing I would be testing resilience in ways i’ve never imagined. As I came into my crew tent and set down my mind went a million places. Feeling a whirlwind of emotions, I found myself overwhelmed with frustration and disappointment. In a moment of sheer frustration, I grabbed a Coke intending to drink away my sorrows. But before I knew it, that can of soda became a projectile, sailing through the air before crashing and spraying everyone within striking distance. My anger was palpable, and I felt a mix of regret and embarrassment for my outburst. “I’m a gadamn child” I thought to myself.

In the aftermath of my impulsive act, I took a moment to reflect. Running has always been my passion, a source of joy and fulfillment. Yet, even in pursuits we love, there are moments of defeat and despair. It’s okay to feel upset and disappointed; these emotions are a natural part of the human experience. What matters most is how we respond to these setbacks. I acted like an idiot.

Amidst the clamor of voices urging me to persist, I made a decision that defied expectations: I chose to stop the race. The noise of external pressures faded into the background as I listened to my own intuition, recognizing that sometimes, the bravest choice is to step off the trail, even when everyone else is urging you to keep running. In that moment, I embraced the power of self-awareness and the strength to prioritize my well-being over societal pressures. It was a liberating act of defiance, a declaration that my worth wasn’t tied to the race, but rather to my ability to honor my own desires.

I’ve realized that sponsorship opportunities, while incredibly exciting, have inadvertently led me to put immense pressure on myself. Somewhere along the way, I allowed the anticipation of success to overshadow the joy of the process. I constructed a web of expectations in my own mind, believing that I needed to achieve a certain level of perfection to meet the standards set by others. However, I’ve come to understand that this pressure is a creation of my own thoughts, not a reflection of reality. Acknowledging this self-imposed burden has been a revelation, granting me the freedom to breathe and embrace the opportunities without the weight of unrealistic expectations. With this newfound awareness, I am eagerly anticipating the change ahead, looking forward to approaching these situations with a refreshed perspective, and rediscovering the genuine passion that sparked my journey in the first place.

I know it seems like almost ever blog post has been about failure and discovering something new over this past year. It has. It’s something that in the past I’d be sort of embarrassed about. Now though I am embracing this process and starting to see how it shapes the person I want to become. Setbacks are a natural part of any journey. It’s how we respond to them that defines us. Stay strong, stay resilient, and keep pushing forward is the name of the game.