Veterans Day. Damn, I struggle with this holiday. While I am so thankful for all the Veterans who have come before and after me with the duty of protecting this country, I often wonder what life would be like without military forces and how sad it is that humanity is so evil that we need protection from one another. 

This isn’t a blog post bashing the military. My experience in it was one that I cherish. I grew up quickly and learned much about myself and what it is to live a purposeful life while serving. I think what I struggle with a lot post-military life is the new shade of color the lens is of which I look at life. I remember in the 8th grade sitting in Texas history class and watching planes crash into the world trade Centers and immediately realizing life wasn’t the dandelions I’d pick while playing right field during little league baseball games. That moment at 14 years old changed the course of my life and many others in a hurry. I can remember the feeling of hate and racism of a particular culture just taking over my body. I am ashamed as all hell to say it, but I will be as truthful as I can here. 

For the next 6 years of my life, I continued following my passion for running long distances. I trained hard and tried blocking out everything going on in the world. One couldn’t escape the nightly news of the horrors that were happening in Afghanistan and Iraq, though. Many of my high school acquaintances were going off to war and coming back blown to shit from IED or messed up from PTSD…some didn’t come back at all. When the friends I did have that served came back home on leave from their 3rd-4th-5th  tour, we would all go out and grab a beer at the bar, and I’d listen to them talk about their time in the military. They seemed changed..they talked in a way like they were invincible. I wanted that feeling too. I felt like I was wasting my life away chasing a dream to run 4 laps around a track as fast as I could when MY country needed me. 

In 2009 I decided to join the military. My experience was an interesting one that I don’t know if I will ever really want to share publicly. In fact, days like today bring back memories and feelings I’d much rather never have again. That’s just it, though. Since then, I have looked at life in a way that will never be what it used to be. I have my struggles, but we all do. Life is really fucking hard whether you served in the military or not LIFE IS HARD. 

All this is to say, what if we lived in a world where we didn’t have to celebrate Veterans Day. A life without militaries, hate, and violence. I am always super appreciative when I’m thanked for my service, but a part of me is always a little thrown off by it. Deep inside, I know there could be a world where dialog and communication could overtake violence to solve issues. I have worked really hard to rid myself of the hate I carried around for years. I’ve opened up a lot, and I have changed. 

I urge everyone to sit with their feelings daily. For me, it’s in the morning in silence with my coffee or on a run solo in the mountains. Let your emotions come out, be whatever they are, and learn from them. Examine why you feel the way you do. It may keep you from having to look at the world through a dark-colored lens for the rest of your life. 

Thank you to all the Veterans. Your service to our country is immeasurable. However, it takes all our duties to inch towards a more peaceful life for everyone in the future.